its been a really pissy pissy weekend for me.. like i donno.. it just is.. its leaving me in a really bad mood and i dont like it one bit... thank god for hockey tonight..
fridayi guess friday started this whole mood im in.. i donno.. friday did not start off rite.. seriously.. like early in school... well.. lets just say there were tears, lots of tears, lots of yelling, misunderstandings, more yelling, kicking, lots of anger and tension hung in the air.. i guess it was just i donno. misunderstandings and frustration all into one.. i donnno.. but along the way, i guess i kinda made my bestest pal cry... im sorry you!! i really am k.. i didnt mean. im sorry!! hope u forgive me! (: so yeah.. then me and nic snuck out of school to go library study with the twins kane sarina and marcus.. sneaking out of sch to go library and study.. how retarded rite. haha. so yeah. studied and ate at pastamania.. and along the way we kept making fun of sarina!! HAHA! cause she's a fish and she sleeps with her eyes open!! hahaha.. jk! then juncai came.. hah.. juncai is fucking hilarious.. like he was sitting there wtching us study then he like started drawing on his eyes with a marker. lol.
ok.. back to ranting..
so yesterday.. my dad was yelling at me.. for what? well.. he says i dont have any determination.. like i have no willpower.. that i dont think abt my future. that i dont worry abt my future. that i just live life day by day and just accepts what comes my way.. i dont fight for the things i want and that im never determined to do anything. that i do thing s half heartedly and dont have the determination and willpower to strive for what i want.. so ok.. my dad is one thing.. but there are actually people outside my parents who actually agree with what my dad thinks.. not just one but a few.. ok. so maybe i do lack determination at times.. i mean ok.. i dont study 24/7 like some people do.. and im not health conscious as a health nut. and like im not good as hockey as those div 1 people and my results arent good as some people in school and im not a obedient boy like others.. does that mean i dont have ANY determination.. i donno.. personally i dont think so.. so yeah. maybe i dont have as much determination and willpower as some people but to say i dont have any determination at all and to say that i dont think abt the future and i take life as it comes is a tad unfair.. i mean.. i am determined.. at times.. im determined to play hockey. or else would i be playing division 1? im determined to do well, even though i study less than the next person, i do study. and no matter what it seems or who i seem to be, i do tihnk abt the future.. do i worry abt whats gonna happen. all the time.. am i determined to mould my own future.. fuck yeah.. to all of you who think what my dad thinks, im gonna prove all of you wrong.. just wait and see
ok.. after writing all that.. ive been thinking.. ystd when he was yelling at me and bringing up all kinds of examples, i find it funny that he mades not so subtle references to other people.. no determination to study unlike a certain other eng teenager in the household who studies much more than i do.. not determined to do well unlike a certain other Eng teen who gets straight A's and gets accepted into dont know what the hell program.. no determined to stay healthy unlike the other Eng teen who's thin and healthy.. screwing up his life unlike the other Eng teenasger who sleeps at 11 wakes up early, doesnt waste his life away.. and most importantly, constantly dissappoints his parents unlike the other Eng teen who can do no wrong in my parents eyes and is a saint and etc etc etc and most importantly, not like me.. so yeah.. i guess my parents are already pinning their hopes on my brother cause as far as im concerned, im gonna fuck my own life up, die young or just end up in jail.. i guess my brother is better than me in every aspect of life.. its funny huh.. he's younger than me and my parents pray that i was like him.. i really do want to make my parents proud of me but nothing i do seems to compare to what the better Eng does.. if you ever read this mom and dad.. im sorry. i really am.. no sarcasm.. i swear.. i know im not the person you wished i was and im sorry for not being able to be who you guys want me to be .. and sorry for not being half as good as you guys are. i donnno.. i guess im sorry for being such a huge dissappointment in you guys' life..and well, im sorry for always dissappointing you..
my mom said sth to me once and i'll always remember that one sentence, "why do i have a son like you?" i donno mom.. im sorry
