sometimes we get hurt by a particular person. why is it that we are so eager to get hurt by that person again?

why are so stubborn that we can never take the smart easy route and always have to try for ourselves and have to experience the pain

angsty emo girls are hot!!!!

you are the sun,
you are the only one.
my heart is blue,
my heart is blue for you.

you know you are
the queen of my heart

and just like that, about 70% of my papers are over and done with. so i studied for math, and then this morning, there was a malay paper on my desk. yes it was that hard, did not understand it at all!! URGH! history was better but really really boring and i wanted to fall asleep so badly. no papers tomorrow so im taking a self declared break tongiht! :D english on friday and next monday. econs on wednesday and thursday. then its OVER! ALL OVER! till ib that is.

i had the aladin a whole new world song stuck in my head today. haha. cause me marcus and samuel kept singing it. then i got queen of my heart stuck in my head. lol. when i shouldve been getting stalin mao and catro stuck in my head, i got old random songs instead. haha oh well.

you princess
me court jester

you are the sun,
you are the only one.
my heart is blue,
my heart is blue for you.

be my little rock and roll queen

and just like that almost half of my papers are done and over with. and by 11am tomorrow, all the hellishly difficult papers will be over and done with! i keep complaining how theres not enough time to study history, but here i am blogging. -_- oh well, im waiting for my tuition teacher who should be here in about 15 minutes. so today math was like hardcore. intense and crazy. its like 3 questions in section b added up to 60 marks. holy crap!! sighhhh! oh well. theres more math to look forward to tomorrow! yay! my eyes are really heavy now and i really want to just sleep but i cant. stupid prelims.

you're like the princess. and i'm just the court jester.

and all i want now is to see that smile
cause no matter what, somehow someway
you just have this thing about you
which will make it all seem ok.

good news: i have finished 31% of my prelim papers.
bad news: i have probably flunked physics, and all my hard papers are yet to come. oh happy days.
so yeah. prelims day 1 today. chinese was alright, not much of a kick. physics. wow, lets just say it was beyond hardcore! SIGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! oh wells. more physics tomorrow and then math paper 1. holy cow, can the timetable get any worse, oh wait, math paper 2 on wednesday, followed by history papers 1 and 2. wow, the timetable can get worse.. it must be my lucky week. i just want to quit! and give up!! and i dont even want to attempt any more papers!! cause not trying is better than trying and failing!! yes its the pussy way out! but at least i wont be depressed about failing!!!!!

honestly i get kinda jealous at times

I WANT TO PLAY SOCCER! I WANT TO PLAY ICE HOCKEY!!!!

its prelims minus 10 hours and instead of concentrating and mugging like crazy, here i am blogging for the second time in a row. woohoo, way to go marcus. today was really honestly quite a crap day. i'm so damn sick of physics and newton and faraday, of waves and electromagnetism. its like im trying to cram so much information into my brain in such a short period of time!! i guess its my fault for leaving things so last minute.. prelims. hmmm.. on one hand, it somewhat gives a gauge of where you're at in your studies, gives a predicted score, and it matters to your parents.. BUTTTTTTT. on the other hand, its just prelims, with no effect whatsoever on your IB grade. and it technically has no effect on anything actually. its just a practice run to scare the living daylights out of us to make us study. so if it doesnt count for anything, WHYYY SOOOO SERIOUSSS??? so yeah. see how i'm caught in the middle.. its like i've lost my motivation to study. but then again. lately, i've lost my motivation for a lot of things. i've lost motivation. i've lost hope. theres no more hockey, so one less fulfilling thing to do. prelims mean no soccer, one more fulfilling thing down.. whats there left to find fulfillment in? i dont know, i honestly don't know.

but, i have this deal with glen. after prelims, we're gonna study and study and study like crazy. we've learnt our lesson and we're gonna make it up for the real thing. no joke this time. cause i may have lost my motivation for prelims, but now, i've suddenly gained my motivation for the end of years. i'm gonna prove you wrong.. i'm gonna prove all of you wrong. all you smart asses who think you're better than all of us cause you get higher test scores. people who think they're above us cause they get better achievement grades. and those people who just think youre good for nothing except being funny and cant study at all. boy oh boy. i'll prove you wrong. i will.

we all fall down. and sometimes its really hard to get up and yet we have to. sometimes we have friends to pull us up, other times we're on our own. sometimes we trip and thats why we fall down. sometimes we get pushed down. sometimes its not the falling down that hurts, its finding out who pushed us that breaks your heart

well, about 21 more hours till the first papers of my prelims. can you sense my excitement from your computer screen? urgghh, i'm gonna do real badly. but the thing is, prelims don't really count for anythign cause i'm going army so i don't need my predicted grades or whatever. but, if i do badly, wow, this household is gonna turn into world war 4. world war 3 was last year after my final exams. sighh. i can't seem to find the motivation to just sit still and try to absorb as much information as possible! although i did do math non stop for like 5-6 hours yesterday which is probably nothing to all those mugging like crazy now but it is a major feat for me. i just want to quit now. i lose. i give up. i quit.

cause sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to win. there'll always be this one person out there who will just beat you without even trying hard.

and all i want now is to see that smile
cause no matter what, somehow someway
you just have this thing about you
which will make it all seem ok.

i'm so tired of it all. i'm sick and tired of it all

hanging out and making eyes,
from across the room they stare.
all the gestures, and the waving,
and the talks that they share.
everyday he's look around and wait,
for that smile that she'll wear.

today was an extremely bad day for me. like honestly, nothing went right. sighh. i had literally no classes except english. then free period after free periods which were spent playing soccer tennis and poker. so soccer in the morning was not that bad, but andrew tried to kick me and when i evaded his tackle, i twisted my knee a bit. so yeah, a bit of pain in my knee. then lost money during poker. URGH. tennis was alright. THEN during soccer in the afternoon, I STEPPED ON A FRIKKING NAIL! LIKE WTF!! WHAT THE HECK WAS A NAIL DOING IN THE SOCCER FIELD?!?!?! ok so i guess i shouldnt have played barefooted but ive been playing barefoot for the past 2 years!! URGHHH! so at first its ok, but it got worse as the day went on. it got more swollen, more painful, harder to walk. i think i might have to be on crutches tomorrow. bleah. crutches are my new bestfriend. the third time this year!

lost

sometimes all we want it is what we used to have. cause sometimes we'd give anything to turn back the clock. but we can;t and there's nothing we can do about it except remember the good things that happened in the past. i told kui "we always think about the good memories and we get sad remembering them. we should store them in a little corner of our brain and move on and make new memories" of course, like everything else that is usually said, easier said than done.

tag replies for today:
JOHAN: EH WHATEVER LA YOU VEGGIETALES!! HAHA! tomorrow i roast grass for you!
HAHA: _ _ _ kai ling!! emo your head la!! haha. you're the emo blur queen!! (:

today was a total waste of a day. serious waste of time. but oh well. what can i say. phototaking was also a huge waste of time. urgh.

i can't find fulfillment anymore. i'm serious. i dont know why but i cant find fulfillment in anything anymore. in school in sports in life. i just feel empty and unfulfilled. like i;m just waiting for something greater to happen

what if the one thing that you put a lot of your hope in lets you down? where do you put your hopes in then?

whats the point of trying if all we do is fail?
whats the point of believing in the best of people if they're gonna let you down in the end?

today was a really really off day. like for some reason, i was really off? like not myself. till the point where calvin an tim asked me what was wrong with me and why was i acting so strange. but yeah. today was an off day. it just doesn't seem right somehow. sigh oh well.
the bus ride from school home is really long.. the bus ride from school home is much much longer when i can' t seem to fall asleep and all i do is just sit there and think and ponder and wonder. bleahh, very bad busride today.
you know the song "how to save a life" by the fray? yes its a really good song. the lyrics are really good too. you know the words in the chorus? the main few lines of the chorus? yeahh thats how i feel. bleahh
today the day was not complete. today there were hardly any rays of sunshine passing through the clouds.

someone once said i was a lousy friend, something about not being encouraging or supportive enough? ok. i've been called a lot of things. but i absolutely HATE it when i'm called a lousy friend. seriously, i get very very annoyed and pissed when someone calls me that. so unless there is evidence that i' was one, don't ever call me that. so back to my story. so yeah i was called that once. ok you know what. there's a difference between a good friend and a supportive friend. a good supportive friend might say "yeah. just try and see what happens. you can do it! good things will happen! i believe in you".. now a better friend might say "ok. the thing is, i dont know whats gonna happen. and something bad might happen and you might get really hurt. so you be careful. if you still wanna do it. i support you 100%. but i want you to be careful cause i dont want you to get hurt. so its up to you in the end."
so in my books, i think the 2nd answer is the better friend. but thats just me. see, the friend that tells you to just go for it and all that is supportive yes. but the 2nd friend is a better friend because he/she is trying to make sure you're being careful and you realise what the dangers are.. you see, many times we just wnat to jump straight in without thinking and we really need a good friend to give us a knock on the head to bring us to our senses.. being supportive is one thing, being a good friend is another. ok, that story might not make that much sense. but yeah. i just needed to get it off my chest cause its been bugging me.

i'm oh so close to coming to this point where i'm losing hope in everything around me. because if something you once held dear lets you down, where do you turn to next?

too often we don’t realize what we have until it’s gone,
too often we’re too stubborn to say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong.”
too often it seems we hurt the ones closest to our hearts,
and we let the most foolish things tear us apart.

the weekend is all but over and nothing really happened. but i came to realise something.

sometimes we get so caught up with something thats happening. we get so emotionally attached and all that we fail to realise the good thats around us. most of the time we're so quick to notice the bad stuff but we never stop to appreciate the good things around us. maybe sometimes its the silver lining in the clouds or sometimes its the good friends we have that help us through our bad patches. we get too caught up with our problems that we don't realise our good friends who are there to help us if we need it. isnt it funny how we're so quick to acknowledge the bad things around and we hardly take notice of the good. we talk about war, deaths, natural disasters, global warming but we hardly talk about but we hardly talk about peace, and life, or charity. i saw this quote which said "bad news is good news. and good news makes horrible news" something along those lines. scary how human nature works huh

(I'm melting, I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while

Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
why cuts aren't healing
Learning how to love

sometimes all we want is for things to go back to the way they were. cause all we want is familiarity. all we want is the warmth that we know is there

):

let's put a smile on that face

today was. well, today was friday. don't know what else to say i guess. hmmm. was in a pretty bad mood this morning, but you know honestly, letting things off your chest really does help! thank you mich! oh oh, during break, me woon and zongye bought this huge tray of cupcakes from year 1's. it was a momentary lapse of insanity as we purchased a total of 25 doughnuts. i think in the end, the 3 of us only hate like a quarter of it and gave out the rest to sheryl shumei joshua georgina ermmm other people i cant remember, econs teacher and ANOREXIC girls.. but yeah, it was for charity! and the cupcakes were actually not too bad!! so yeah. watched batman after school with kui woon and joshua. that movie was really really good!! heath ledger was AWESOME! like seriously, the joker was soooo creapy and totally freaked woon out. haha. i have tuition soon unfortunately and all i feel like doing is sleeping the night away! and i didnt get to play soccer last night ):
we won our semi finals last night but i dont really care that much.

You'll be my vacation away from this place
You know what I want
Holding that cup,
It's pouring over the sides
Make me wanna spread my arms and fly

today was a really up and down, left and right day. a really rollercoaster kinda day. oh well. i guess thats life. it has its ups, and of course its down. sometimes full of lefts, other times full of rights. so yeah, nothing really spectacular happened today except great soccer. spent lunch with joelfoo and i guess samuel. HAHA. played basketball during TOK. wow havent touched a basketball in ages!!! had an extra long physio today which was tiring actially and cost me $12!! TSKKKKKKK!! but, you chicas better be APPRECIATIVE cause like at least i made the effort and tried my best!! :D i have gym soon. urghh, im so so tired and im not looking forward to it at all! SOOO TIREDD phyiscally. SOO TIREDDDD OF IT ALL!

1500 seconds that made it all worthwhile

and even in the darkest of times and in the worst of moments, you somehow find a way to make it all seem like its going to be ok.

today was english IOC. individual oral commentary, omgoodnesss!!! it was so crazy. i thihnk i said OMG OMG OMG at least 20+ times today. i got "strange meeting" by wilfred owen in the end. ok i guess. so so. couldve been better, but then again, could've been worse. GLEN got lucjyt and got DISABLED! TSKKKKKK!! oh last night, me andrew and glen went to priss' house for pizza hut and then hardcore studying for IOC. we were there all the way from 83opm all the way to 3am. thats almost 7 hours of studying!! minus 45 mins for pizza, 15 min coffeebreak and probalby a total of 30 mins of impromptu breaks here and there. ut still 5 hours of hardcore ioc studying! hardcore!! filling our minds with dubliners, wilfred owen, PARALYSIS, FREEDOM, WAR, GAY, DEATHS, IMAGERY, and our all time favourite, QUEER OLD JOSSER! but i guess it was worth it cause it was really beneficial and all and we learnt quite a bit. andrewand glen came over after and we had like 3 hours of sleep! hardcore hardcore. its been a tiring draining last 2 days of school and i should be relieved that its over but i dont have time to be relieved!! tskk! rush rush rush!!!

sunshine sunshine sunshine

you might or might not be reading this. its been a few days now. you think this is fair to me? you dont really understand what i'm going through. ive got my own crap to deal with, plus all the school stress and you pile this onto me. its not fair and i don't like it one bit. it might seem like i dont care at all and that i'm fine and normal, but actually deep down it hurts, and im really affected. but what can i do? nothing/ absolutely friking nothing. cause the balls in your court. your decision. but i guess you made it. how do you think i feel now? its like i can see you acting normal to your other friends and shit. how do you think that makes me feel huh? me feel better? bullshit? and your whole logic and explanation behind your actions? even bigger bullshit. the most nonsensical stupidest shit ive ever heard. and ive heard a lot of nonsensical stupid shit. its not fair. i hope you know that. you know what, i think there's actually a hidden reason behind it. you're doing all this and its not because of the reason you stated. so waht is the real reason? tell me

my number 1 fear is loss

oh i forgot to mention that mennon came to visit on friday. it was good to see him after so long. went to jonho's house last night for bbq. daryl jonho shunyi uwei debbie iekka tim were all there. we were all talking about the good ol days of year 3 and year 4. gosh it seems so long ago. the good times. when everything seemed so easy and non complicated. and just like that, it was all gone when we all went our separate ways after igcse. god i miss those days. what'd i give to have them back. god i miss those guys so much. si y. sighhh. you never realise how much you treasure something until its gone, and then its too late to treasure them already. besides the bbq, its been quite a crap weekend. stupid wilfred owen is going to be the death of me. stupid war poems.

i have this craving for pizza now.

stupid bitch. lying cheating manipulative piece of crap.

hanging out and making eyes,
from across the room they stare.
all the gestures, and the waving,
and the talks that they share.
everyday he's look around and wait,
for that smile that she'll wear.

that smile is like a ray of sunshine that passes through the dark clouds that shows that there might be some sunlight after all.

ive been trying my best to analyse wilfred owen's war poems and its so difficult! war guns death, emo poems after emo poems! urgh. i hate IOC. and yet its only 3 days away. so yesterday marked the end of yet ANOTHER week. holy crap.yesterday was alright. school was alright but night sure wasnt. last night was honestly a crap and very very very horrible night. thank you char-maine, mich, sweta, sheryl for being there to hear me out and let me rant. i wouldn't have gotten through the night without you guys. ok thats being a tad bit dramatic but blame it on wilfred owen. BUT i really do appreciate you guys. so anyways, today is saturday. and i dont know if i can go for the bbq thingy cause of last night. IOC is tuesday, econs commentary all due tuesday. terrible tuesday. wow i think thas alliteration. soon i'll be using iambic pentameter in my blog posts. LOL

we've been walking past each other, no gestures no smiles. its as if we're strangers. i know i should care, i know i should be concerned. but somehow someway, it doesn't bother me as much as it should. the irony of that sentence you once said makes me laugh. hypocrite

sometimes all we want is a little grattitude. somtimes all we want is a little something to show that we're appreciated.

and i'm just the boy who can't ever say no

and i'm just the sucker who gives in all the time

and i'm just the one who lets everyone push him over

today is thursday july 10th, 2008. today was a relatively boring school day where nothing exciting really happened. just boring class after boring class after boring class. like i said, nothing really exciting which means nothing to really write about so honestly, i dont even know why i'm boring the living daylights out of you by typing all this. oh well. i have hockey later tonight. good. thank god.

right now, honestly, i am extremely annoyed and i am extremely pissed. like seriously, i don't think i ever felt this pissed or this annoyed in a really long time. URGHHHHHHHH! i honestly just want to punch a hole in the damn wall. i forsee myself getting a penalty tonight because ill let my anger and frustration get the better of me. DAMN IT! i need to relax and calm down but its been 45 minutes and i haven't really gotten any better. i hate this shit. im so sick of it. im so sick of it all.

i'm so sick of being some backup friend. i'm so sick of people only coming to talk when they need their problems solved. i'm so sick of being such a pushover and never knowing how to say no. i'm so sick at myself at letting it happen all the time. i'm so sick of people always treating me as their frikking punching bag. i'm so sick of people who just take out their frustration and anger on me when theyre upset about something. i'm so sick of people blaming me at getting pissed at me for no reason whatsoever. i'm not a stressball for you to relieve stress.. i really am ok with people whining to me or whatever cause i listen. i always do. whining crying, i dont mind. i dont mind at all. if youre upset, you whine cry or rant and im fine with all of the above. but im sick of people taking out their anger on me. and im so sick of people just chucking me to one side after things are better. i'm so sick of it. i'm so sick of it all..

sighh

that smile is like a ray of sun through the darkest of clouds

All day, staring at the ceiling,
making friends with shadows on the wall.
All night, hearing voices telling me that
I should get some sleep because tomorrow might be good for something.
Hold on, feeling like i'm headed for a breakdown,
and I don't why.

I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little unwell.
I know, right now you can't tell
but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see,
A different side of me.

i went for my first session of physiotherapy for my knee today. first step on my road to recovery. well bad news is that like i thought i only had one injured ligament. turns out, another of my ligament is injured too. and she even asked me how come i didn't go for surgery. HAHA. oh well! the good news is that she didn't ask me to stop playing sports or whatever so thats good. which reminds me that i haven't played soccer in over 5 days!! i want to play soccer!! today was a short day and yet it seemed like a really long day. maybe its cause history, econs, math and TOK are easily the most boring subjects. then again so is physics and depending on the book, english can be a snoozefest at times. wow, that only leaves chinese as the non boring subject and thats only because we dont really do anything so its like free periods all the way. casual dress day tomorrow which doesn't really mean anything except SLIPPERS!

and i'd walk countless smiles,
to see your endless smiles.

today marks another school day. today marks another day closer to the prelims. i know i know, my blog has been littered with ramblings about the prelims but what to do, they really are gonna be the death of me. i had chinese iop today. it went quite horribly. as in i know i cant really speak chinese, but i didnt expect it to go that bad. oh well, i got no one to blame except myself and my inability to master my mother tongue. i think it runs in the family cause both priss and i were stunned countless times during our chinese iop. blame our dads who can barely speak the language. sighhh. oh well, no use crying over spilt milk. time to focus on the future and the many challenges that lie ahead. bleahh

i went to eat MEAL 4 with glen alsony and calvin. i think its like my first time out with those 3 at once and honestly, there is never a dull moment with them around. like seirously, they are frikking hilarious. like there isnt a serious conversation, but just non stop laughter and retardedness!!! haha. so tuition just ended and it was a bore. surprise surprise. physiotherapy is starting tomorrow so thats good. my best friend is ditching me tomorrow!! -_- TSKKKK!! gonna be stuck alone in econs and history!! you better finish your world lit bro!!

and i'm just the boy who can't ever say no

and i'm just the sucker who gives in all the time

and i'm just the one who lets everyone push him over

frustrated. and disillusioned.

that smile

today is youth day. happy youth day. went to school for extra english individual oral commentary lessons. joyce, swift, owen, gulliver, horses, war, gay poems, dublin. those words are like making a mess in my head. urghh. have i said how much i hate the IB lately? went to lido with sheryl and andrew after. its like our favourite hang out spot where we can get our usual fix of BUBBLE TEA! we have this obssession with bubble tea. its unhealthy. unhealthy but DELICIOUS! i just finished doing like 5 physics practicals. holy cow, my mind is fried and dead and hence the really boring blog post about nothing.

i have chinese individual oral presentation tomorrow where i have to give a 5 minute presentation of a country that i visited ALL IN CHINESE! so thats basically 5 minutes of slow torture. omg. i need an english to chinese dictionary. and i cant bring notes in. DIE DIE DIE. so yeah. maybe i shouldnt have skipped chinese that often. or should i say less "toilet breaks" during chinese. oh well. too late to regret now. as duncan would say, "all in already!"

i had like a bunch of stuff i was gonna type out, but my mind has been filled with electromagnets and specific heat capacity and physics for the past few hours so i cant really remember. i hate it when that happens, i think it was somehing good too. urghhh

feeling lost? confused? alone?

its funny how one person can mean the world to us. its even funnier how that same person can bring your world come crashing down.

that smile

what a beautiful smile,
can it stay for awhile.

week 3 is about to start. youth day tomorrow although honestly, i never really understood that holiday, never knew what it represented, all i knew was that it was a school holiday. i like school holidays. dont really fancy public holidays cause school hols mean no parents at home :D so yeah, btu theres school tomorrow, or extra english lessons to be exact. i'm gonna fill my mind with wilfred owen, dubliners and macbeth. some of you may be thinking "huh? what? who?". well, my thoughts exactly. i really want the clock to rewind. i want extra time. i want the past. we shouldnt be living in the past but i honestly want to go back to before. i dont like the present. i think im gonna start dreading the future. so the only way to go is backwards. its 2am and i waited over an hour for the stupid rain to stop in wimbledon so the nadal federer match would continue. ive got to be up at 9 tmr. oh what a sad sad boring mundane meaningless life i lead.

i want to care for others like jesus cared for me

you know, to think i stood up for you all those times. i put myself out there to defend you, to tell people off for wronging you. i made sure people wouldn't badmouth you. and all that for nothing. maybe i shouldn't have wasted my effort. i guess i shouldn't have wasted my breath.

and sometimes all we want is to see a single, solitary smile

it doesn't feel like 2 weeks of school have already passed. it doesn't feel like prelims are 22 days away. and yet, things do happen whether we feel them or not. oh great, prelims are coming and i'm nowhere near prepared. sighhh. and i was just looking at potential universities online and their cost and all that. but its funny how i can start looking for universities but i can't start reading up on inflation and deflation or specific heat capacity. i really really hate physics. i have absolutely no idea why i chose it as one of my subjects. urghh. the past week of school flew by with nothing really happening. there was this announcement of family fiesta but who's gonna go to that? i guess the only good thing about the past week was SOCCER SOCCER SOCCER and more SOCCER SOCCER! yes, i actually played at least once a day for the whole week. which is good cause its fun and a good form of exercise. lol. and SOME PEOPLE never fail to point out, i'm ALWAYS in my PE uniform by lunch. haha. well, one day ill show you both that i will stay in my uniform the whole day! :D

oh national team meeting for the first time since hongkong on wednesday. it was good. its good that we're all back together again.

i owe like 7 physics practicals. and i only finished one today. urgh. physics is the bane of my life. physics and economics and math. well might as well throw in stupid top girls in english, stupid chinese ioc and stupid history and we can conclude that IB is the bane of my life. URGH

shameless shameless shameless
disgusting disgusting disgusting

it's so weird now and i don't know how it became like this. staring out the windows, it was never like this. things change, but i never thought it meant this as well. i got nothing to say really. i say that a lot, but i really do have nothing to say

Marcus Eng

10 March 1990
19
ACS International
Ice Hockey

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