sometimes in life, we come across this instance where we'll feel let down or disappointed. we suddenly feel betrayed and we don't know what to believe in anymore. cause we always put faith in the things and the people we trust, whom we believe in, whom we think will never let us down. but one day, what happens when they do let us down, turn our trust against us, then how do we learn to trust or believe in someone again?

i found this song, and i think the lyrics are perfect. they describe the feelings i have inside me and its like the lyrics are my thoughts. kinda freaky huh. good song too.

another weekend is here. another week gone. yesterday morning brought about torrential rain pour. maybe it was a sign of the day that was to come?

for you the world. i mean it

no more fleeting glances, just everlasting longing

so this is my 600th post. wow. 600 posts in about 3 years 2 months. about 38 months. gosh its scary how time flies so fast without any warning.

about a year ago, i had this whole post dedicated to my best friend charmaine and about how she's helped me out of so many jams and how she kept her faith in me no matter what. and also how she keeps me in check and without her, i'd have gone havoc a long time ago. so im not gonna write out one whole long post saying the same things again. but thanks bro. you really are the best (:
there are also a bunch of really good friends who i love to death. they;re the reason i love school so much. they're the reason i can get through anything. i could name out every single one of them right now and write a whole paragraph about them but i kinda have tuition soon. but you guys know who you are. i love my friends and honest to goodness, i wouldn't trade them for any other set of friends

today was a really waste of a day. histry test then went all the way to changi hospital for checkup on my leg. omggggg. WAITING TIMES ARE A KILLER!!! tskkk!! then went all the way back to school to do nothing.. hung out with junhung ananya and mich though. it was fun. like i said, i miss 3rd student council. but i guess today was much better than yesterday. cause yesterday was this huge frustrating day where i just wanted to just play soccer or play hockey to vent anger and frustration. URGHHHH. but i guess thats life.

and i'd kill the scary horrifying dragon if it meant i'd see my princess smile

i'm at my wits end. cause the balls in your court now. so whatever floats your boat alright

i'd promise you the world if it meant you'd take a chance with me

you are my kryptonite.

today i just felt annoyed and frustrated. i guess the thing is, sometimes lifes just damn unfair to you. and some people are just plain unreasonable. they're hypocritical and they seem to act differently when they're in front of a group of people compared to when its you and that person.
i guess today i was stuck wondering what i did wrong and what the heck happened. i guess i'm wondering what i did to deserve all this. why am i always the one on the receiving end? thank you sweta for hearing my angry rant just now

girl, stop playing and toying. i don't think my heart can take it anymore

today i had chinese oral. due to my inability to converse in proper chinese, i think i did quite horribly. priss, johnny and i had to change the ending of some stupid chinese movie where none of us actually remembered the actual ending of that movie. so we all gave our own twisted endings in broken primary school ending. we then had to watch some retarded interview with jay chou and have a discussion among ourselves about the interview. obviously none of us give 2 hoots about jay chou. obviously none of us actually care what was said in that interview. then again, none of us really understood what was being said in the interview. so as you can guess, we didnt do too well. at least we tried. and at least we know our chinese sucks. really really badly.

lunch with johnny joshua and kui today was good. we talked about the past, the present and then the future. hung out with annabelle and junhung abit today. gosh i forgot how much fun it was to hang out, the 3 of us. i miss 3rd student council so much.

one day i won't be there for you to give shit to anymore

i'd do it all again for you

it has been an extremely weird strange week. a week that has brought about many shocks and surprises. happiness anger sadness. but then again, i guess most weeks bring about happiness anger and sadnes.. BUT. this week has been really weird. i cant really decide if its good or bad. i just know that its well, weird. i think sheryl's word epitomizes how i felt towards the later part of the week. PEK CHEK! which i think means frustration?

cabaret on thursday. well. i honestly dont think it was worth $40. maybe $20 tops. i didnt really enjoy all of it? then again im not a big fan of these kinds of things. and i went for the first performance and i think they made more mistakes then cause those that went for the 2nd performance saifd it was better. oh well. i mean, i enjoyed certain parts. some parts were good. some parts were average. other parts were errrrrrrrr, no comment. haha. the 2 chicago songs were good. sayserns play was funny. andrew was hilarious. but i thikn its only cause we knew andrew and hes our friend or that part woudl;ve been a bit boring. oh well. some people sang really good, others went off tune. but hey, they tried their best. so i guess good job guys!
friday kinda of a waste of a day. didnt really accomplish much or learn anything. went to eat after school with jonwong elvina alsony and chris. had this really interesting informative conversation. i guess sometimes you want to know sth. but after knowing it, you wish you didnt.

i want to fast forward past tomorrow to monday. i hate sundays.

i gave up on caring long ago. so now while people are all talking abt whats gonna happen and all that. im sitting on the sidelines waiting for the firewoks to start. i think they're gonna be real beautiful (:

i think its unfair how i blamed for the stupidest things. or like how 2 people do the exact same thing and you get the blame. i mean you dont get angry for your friend who escaped the punishement. but more pissed at the person whos giving out the punishements. like wtf man. first of all, it wasnt even that big a deal. second of all, its a joke. third of all, i wasnt the only one who said it so why only punish me/ fourth of all, WTF

you're practically a stranger. its like i want to hate. cruel and weird as that may sound. but i guess, its been a long time coming now. its not something new or overnight kinda thing. oh wellss. i think my problem is that im bad at not caring and letting go. but i think im better at that now. so i think im good with this not caring letting go part. i think its better. i find it all really funny how. so when everything explodes and everyones caring, i'd be laughing. i used to say how i wish i could turn back the clock and we'd go back to normal/ now/ i dont tjhink i ever want that normal again

i want this stupid hole in my leg to heal; and fill up faster!!! tskkk

disobedient rebellious BIMBOOOO (:

she said don't change your mind
let's leave this town behind
we'll race right off the cliff
they will remember this
it all got so mundane
with you I'm back again
just take me by the hand
we're close to the edge

i just finished watching one tree hill season 6 episode 3.. SIGHHH ITS SOOOOOO DEPRESSINGGG!! ): and sophia bush's character said "life sucks. then we die" awwwwwwwww!! "he who does not weep does not see" - le miserables ahhhhhh!! emo depressing one tree hill episode!!! but it was a really powerful episode that actually taught me a lot. life too's short to be holding on to all the anger and hatred and thoughts of revenge. lifes too short. it shouldn't hold you back from being amazing. nothing should stop you from being who you are. sighhh that episode was seriously really depressing and sad and i honestly almost cried. thats how sad it was. ultimately, loss is inevitable. and its how we move on that matters. we cannot let grief and sadness engulf us.

"Grief is like the ocean: it’s deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love."
- one tree hill

grief and pain come hand in hand, quiet, out of the blue without warning. but time heals all wound. and with faith and love, we can conquer pain

ok enough with all the depressing stuff!! school today was short. ended by 2 30. short day but my brains really really tired now. went to holland with annabelle after school. it was good! fun! (: we just talked and talked. got things off our chest and all that. we had a really good talk and you know sometimes, there are some people who you might not talk to for quite some time, but when you do, its like nothing has changed and no time has passed at all. i guess like you said emo girl. i wish we never drifted

cabaret tomorrow. hopefully its worth the money and all. its the first performance tomorrow. which means theres a higher likelihood of screw ups tomorrow as compared to friday. but oh well. i hope its good. oh and happy belated birthday to joshua!! ok he doesnt really read my blog but oh wells. im really tired now but im waiting for my dad to sleep so i can play army of two. haha.

sometimes its not all about the friends we made but the friends we lost along the way. sometimes all we want is that one someone who we know will always have our backs when things start to turn bad.
i thought things would never change, oh how i was so wrong

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWETAAAAAAAA!!! you're 18 now!!! but remember, with great power comes great responsibility!!! study for IB first!! clubbing can come later!!!!! (: (: hope you had fun last night!!!

Cause if you jump
I will jump too
we will fall together
from the building's ledge
never looking back at what we've done
we'll say it was love
cause I would die for you
on skyway avenue

last night was honestly a really good night. went to clarke quay to celebrate sweta's birthday. went to some persian restaurant and the food was good! shared some twin platter thingy with bingxi. went to clinic after that for drinks. then had to go at about 12? but yeah. it was good fun, good laughter.and there were belly dancers to entertain us. HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT: ANDREW AND SWETA BELLYDANCING WITH THE BELLYDANCER! andrew shaking his ass and humping air. i seriously am gonna have nightmares for the next few nights! haha! oh oh! LIVERPOOL BEAT MANCHESTER UNITED!! 2-1!!!! HELL YEAHH BABY!!!! THATS THE WAY!!! :D THANK YOU WES BROWN!!!!!! but i think it was a well deserved victory!!! dominated almost the whole game!! so yeahh. it was a really good night! fun, entertaining and a liverpool win over man u! of course there were other things that made the night really good (:

where are your guts to fly
soaring through, through the night
and if you take that last step
I'll follow you
leave the edge and fly
we're finally alive

thou does not trust thee cause thee does not trust thou. does that even make sense?
oh well. i guess sometimes its inevitable? i guess its sad? maybe it hurts? but we gotta pull ourselves up and move on

please don't play games. i don't think i'd be able to take it

i'm enthralled

You were everything
That's bad for me
Make no apologies
I'm crushed...
Black and blue
But you know
I'd do it all again for you

and with the end of a friday brings the end of a school week, which makes it one less week to IB exams. sighhh, November 4th is doomsday and yet i dont seem to be able to find any motivation whatsoever. URGHH! oh well. it seems like fridays are really easy for many people but i have no free periods whatsoever. that together with chapel=killer. oh. 13 of us attended this study skill session in the morning. wow. that was one of the worst 20 minutes of my life!! i wanted to like shoot myself cause it was sooooooooo boring!!!it was damn stupid!! like the woman talked to us as if we were mentally challenged and she expected us to know random biology facts when 90% of us in the room dont even take bio. wth man! after school, went to brekkos with kui, johnny, jonwong, chris, alsony, calvin, tim and priss. priss was the only girl in our little group of jolly men. haha!! but i think she fitted right in no problem cause of her random statements and all!! haha! kidding priss! but yeah! it was fun. i mean first of all, i guess it was the first time the 9 of us actually sat at the same table to have a meal. but yeah. it was fun. conversations were hilarious and full of laughter with the waiters staring at us and giving us weird looks as we talked about random things that should not be mentioned here, remembered the fun times in Chiangmai and listen to alsony tell us how he's the ultimate gay magnet. it was fun. good group of friends just having fun and eating. like johnny said, "chilling out". if life could always be that easy huh (:

HA! THERE! to people who complain about how my blogs too emo and depressing and blah blah blah! another happy post!!

i really like we the kings! people say they sound like boys like girls! i dont care! i like both bands! i love "all again for you" by we the kings!! ALL AGAIN FOR YOU!! NOT AFRAID of you!! HAHA! TSKK! only ANGSTY EMO people can twist the title until like that!!

one message to make you smile. one message to light up your day. one message to rule them all (:
i guess good things do happen to those who wait! (:

i want my happy ending

today is September 11th. a moment of silence for the people who lost their lives 7 years ago. RIP

tomorrows the end of another. time is flying by too fast! TSKKKKKKKKKKKKK!! went to get my wound dressed again just now. the doctor said im healing faster than he expected which is good. hopefully im back on skates within 2 or 3 weeks. dont really want to rush things but I REALLY WANT TO PLAY HOCKEY REALLY REALLY BADLY!! urghh! today was an alright day in school. no particularly tough or draining lessons. finally used my village privelage and went to holland for lunch with charmaine and joan. haha. had a good laugh and talk about really random topics. anything under the sun. haha. but it was good and fun. should start using village privelages more!

i'm currently like addicted and in love with Avril Lavigne as weird as that might sound! haha!! SHES REALLY HOT! HAAH! and i love SK8ER BOI!! ok kinda gay i know! but its a really nice song!! from soo long ago!! haha! :D

THERE BROO!! HAPPY POSTTT!! (:

I <3 Avril Lavigne

You were everything
That's bad for me
Make no apologies
I'm crushed...
Black and blue
But you know
I'd do it all again for you
I swear I'd do it all again for you

today while i was sitting in class i kinda realised something. you dont really trust me and you probably wont ever trust me enough with your secrets and the thing is, i realised, i think, i wouldn't trust you enough to tell you mine either. we're just friends who don;t trust each other enough to tell each other their secrets. oh well

you're my juliet

got my wound dressed again just now. the doctor said it was "healing beautifully" but its gonna take about a month for it to fully heal. wtfffff.. i cant wait that long! TSKKKKK!! i want to play soccer. i want to play hockey! i think im gonna be off crutches tomorrow. crutches just make my arms tired and i can limp without them now. so bye bye crutches. hopefully i dont have to see you ever again.

and with that one sentence, you just totally made my day

190820081550-1710 (:

sometimes we just need those moments of happiness, an hour of bliss, that could just leave you breathless with happiness that can last you a week.

so its back to school after one whole week of absolute boredom. well, i'm real glad that its back to school. cause as weird as it may sound, i rather go to school then stay at home! haha! lessons today were same ol same ol. nothing really new or exciting happening in school. i spent my evening watching the 2nd bleach movie. *___* yes i know there are better things to do and i should learn to prioritise. but gosh the movie is soooo good. its already 11:20pm. gosh time flies. at least i did my CAS crap. or almost all of it. i need to update my stupid cas blog. http://smexycas.blogspot.com haha.

chancetaker? heartbreaker?
got me twisted round your little finger (:

"there really is something irresistible about a lost cause"

Yo te echare de menos princesa

i see you and its like, i dont even wanna see you anymore. it has got to that extent where i kinda detest you and dont even want you anywhere around me anymoe. i guess its kinda sad that it has gotten this bad. but i guess. i can safely say that this isnt my fault and i didnt do anything this time. cause look around you, notice how everythings just crumbling . i was one of your last few pillars, and you decided to just tear it down.

i guess life works in sad sad ways where we have one thing one moment, and we just lose it the most.

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
Well make the great escape
We wont hear a word they say
They dont know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
Cause we are finally free tonight

at one go, i have to take 10 pills all at once. 5 antibiotics. 4 painkillers and 1 to protect my stomach from the painkillers. weird huh. i got a special pill to protect me from the pills that are protecting me from the pain and infection. haha. weirdd. ok, i think the antibiotics and all the pills are making me a bit woozy. a bit off!!! haha! oh well. i guess im glad to be finally out of the hospital. although todays lunch and breakfast was quite nice and the nurses are all nice and all. finally discharged.last night was not fun at all. the antibiotics streaming into my bloodstream through my iv drip attached to the needle embedded into my hand hurt like crazy!!! seriously soo painful! i had to call the nurse twice and yet they couldnt do anything about it. oh well. endure! no pain no gain right! but yeah. i hate needles. i dont like iv drips!! the operation was alright i guess? really nervous and all but i mean, its just breathing into a mask and next thing you know, its all over. haha. really like greys anatomy. except they dont ask you to count backwards from 10. they just told me to keep breathing. oh well. its all over now. except i have to go to a clinic every other day to dress my wounds. that i dont look forward to cause it hurts like hell. bleahhh. looks like im on crutches again tmr. pfftt.

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

you're my dance hall drug

term 4 is starting tomorrow. holy crap where did all the time go? 10 more weeks in acs international. sighhh. its gonna be real sad when its all said and done. but i guess theres no time to stop and reflect on the past, IB doesnt give us that luxury. its the last lap already. gotta sprint right to the end. and like jonwong said, we need an usain bolt finish. first by a longshot, and celebrating when we finish. haha.

tu eres mi princesa

i'm sitting on a hospital bed in room 17, ward 28 at changi general hospital. i had to go for "emergency" operation. but it wasnt really emergency operation cause i had to wait 11 hours after being admitted into the ward before getting wheeled off into the operation theatre. a bit of anesthesia and next thing i know, i'm half awake with the operation all done. bleahhh. i had to remove a huge infected hematoma from my right shin. definately not fun! i just wanna go home or something!! its kinda depressing just being here in the room all alone. having to eat bland hospital food alone and all. pfft. on the bright side, the nurses are really nice, and i hopefully can be discharged tonight. urghh. why do i always seem to have some sort of problem with my legs?! if theres one thing ive learnt, is that theres a lot of waiting and waiting in hospitals. haha. oh well. and i absolutely hate needles no matter where they poke!!!!!!! this is so unlike greys anatomy!!! wheres the hot nurses and doctors? haha

Tick-tock, the clock is turning red
The room won't stop spinning and thoughts in your head
And it's too late
You feel like you're making a big mistake
You should've waited

maybe you know i'm addressing this to you. maybe not. but doesn't really matter i guess. its september 2008. its been quite awhile. i dont think we'll ever go back to the way things once were? maybe it was my wishful thinking that it would. but i guess not. maybe one day it'd come close? maybe maybe. i guess for that to happen, we'd have to start trusting one another first huh? but i dont ever see you trusting me, for your "reasons" and blah blah blah. oh well. whatever tickles your fancy. whatever floats your boat right? maybe one day we'd start trusting each other again? maybe one day we'd come close to going back to the way things once were. maybe though, just maybe. i guess theres too many maybes, not enough definatelys.

I won't try to philosophize
I'll just take a deep breath and I'll look in your eyes
This is how I feel
And it's so surreal
I got a closet filled up to the brim
With the ghosts of my past and the skeletons
And I don't know why
You'd even try
But I won't lie

i guess the thing about trust is that once we lose it, it's so damn hard to gain it back.

about a year ago. i wrote this on my blog, "sometimes in life we're too afraid of change. we're scared of whats out there and what might happen when change arrives. thats why we hang on to whats always there, we hang on to whats safe even if change promises to be so much better". its scary huh, how we just want things to forever be the same. like we just want time to stand still as we try our best to hold on to what we have and never have to let go. we want to keep what we have now and never accept the loss and the change that the future is sure to bring. its scary how so many things can change in such a short period of time. its scarier how we never have enough time with the things and people we love. how we dont have the time to properly treasure them before they're gone.

i think its been almost a year since the chiangmai trip.. and a year on, i think i kinda miss it. the adventure we had. the drama. the excitement. the fun and the bonding with people we wouldnt really have spoken too.i miss the digging and the sleeping like sardines. the psp breaks we forever took. even the baths out in the open and the really crap food that we had to eat. joking around with mr chia and trkking up a few kilometres up the mountain so early in the morning. taking a dump in the wilderness with joshua looking out for me. or peeing into the trees and realising that the rain actually washed our pee downslope to where we all were. the friendly villagers that never seemed to stop smiling. it makes you wonder how they could always smile no matter what. and we who are 10 times more privelaged than them aways seem to have something to complaing about. i do miss our chiangmai trip. i do miss the fun we definately had. secret 8 remember?

sweta said, "when you have friends like these, what more do u need? :)" how true is that huh. i guess sometimes no mater how bad life looks and no matter how crap things seem to be, we can always count on our true friends who are always gonna be there for us no matter what. i love my friends. and i would never want to trade them for anyone in the world. i could sit here and type out who their names and what they mean to me or all the things that they've done for me. but i think that'd be a bit too corny! haha! but you guys know who you are! and i love you all! (: FRIENDS LIKE ELLEN CHANG HUI BING!

through it all, i'd be waiting for that answer

i was just thinking about it and like. i think its kinda sad how you think you can't trust me and thus you don't really trust me with your secrets. i guess thats your own decision in the end. i guess i brought it upon myself huh. you give your reasonings for not trusting me. but come on, lets be honest. thats not the real reason is it. why dont you just tell me the real reason? i think i already know

and when the dust settled, Robinho ended up in Manchester City. wow. talk about a humungous U turn huh. you never know where you might end up till its all done and dusted.

i watched 10,000 BC today. it was not bad. better than i expected. the graphics were really good. and OMG! camilla belle is hot!! but are those her real eye colour? cause if they were real, she'd be even hotter!! i watched one tree hill season 6 episode 1! i <3 one tree hill!!!! i <3 sophia bush even more!! omg she jsut gets hotter and hotter!!! and theres something up with her voice. its a bit huskier now? but omgg! it makes her that much hotter!!!!!! about half of the holidays have gone. hip hip hurray. i cant wait for school to open. but it kinda scares me how little work i've done and how little i've revised compared to some other people. i haven't spoken to some people in quite awhile. i really miss them

in the end, we all either give up or fail. but i wont. ill wait and wait and wait somemore. in the end, i could just fail miserably, but sometimes, the risk of failure is worth the sweetness of success. ill wait and ill try my best and then maybe, just maybe, one day, i will succeed

Is it all you thought it'd be?
You mean everything to me

And when you hit the coast
Maybe you'll finally see
And then you'll turn it all around and you'll come back to me

its funny how one day, you just realise how everything around you is just starting to crumble. like the things that once stood tall and firm just start collapsing and you can't do anything at all to prevent this. things you once put your hope and faith in just drop like flies. how are we supposed to pick ourselves up and learn to pin our hope and faith somewhere else if we keep thinking everythings just gonna collapse all over again?

i went for physio today before heading to school for math. boringgggg. i had a really funny lunch with kui, char-maine, rosa and an though. then i headed off to town with kui to run some errands. the things people do huh. so today was alright all in all. im off to the gym soon for national team training. tomorrows gonna be a real bore cause im stuck at home doing nothing. oh well.

wow what did i jsut do today? tskkkkk

so lets get these teens hearts beating faster, faster

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine

But you know the places I wanna go
Cause oh oh oh
I've got a sickness, you've got the cure
You've got the spark I've been lookin' for
And I've got a plan, we walk out the door

its the start of the september holidays and all i want is for school to start up again. weird i know. i'm so extremely bored! i wanna watch eagle eye!! tok presentation today went better than i expected so that was good. now im done with it. dont have to ever worry about tok ever again!! that stupid hematoma on my shin is not healing fast enough and is starting to really piss me off. oh i made the national team again. i really cant wait to play hockey again. its been way too long

Yeah I'm the first to fall and the last to know
Where'd you go?

Marcus Eng

10 March 1990
19
ACS International
Ice Hockey

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