kui, evne though youve read my blog a total of one time, you;re like a brother to me and i really cant wait to see you in march! and ir eally hope youre staying in singapore to study!! youre been there for me no matter what and you never judge me no matter what! you always have my back and i know i can always count on you no matter what the consequences. i really really miss you kui! hurry come back!

clarisse! you dont even read my blog la but whatever! youre my little sister! and im kinda sad i dont get to see your beaming smiling face in school anymore! you sniff soap to get high but whatever makes you smile! cause youre forever smiling and its like you;'re never sad excpet when someone takes your cow! you listen to me rant and whine and i tell you like everything and even though theeres this age gap, it just doesnt seem taht way cause i feel so comfortable telling you about my problems and stuff and youre awlays a great listening ear. and sometimes you say the simplest things taht turn out the to be the greatest advice (: youve taught me that sometimes you just gotta smile and be happy with what you have now insteawd of always chasing for more.

sheryl awe ellen chang!
sherylll!!!! you suck cause youre going off to japan in march which means because of army i can only see you like 3 more times and i cant even see you off at the airport when you fly off!! ): but sheyrl thanks for the last 2 years! i know i bully you and all but you dont bear grudges so thank god for that! haha! we talk on msn like every single night and omg im gonna miss you so much when you go japan! you better hurry up get internet in japan k so you can come online or better yet skype!! you dont know how nmuch we're all gonna miss you!! gatherings just wont feel the same without you there complainging that yorue fat or wahtever! :D please put on weight! but im gonna miss all your bullshit and all our bullshit conversations!!! you better keep in touch when you leave k or ill personally go to japan and drag your scrawnyt chinese jap wannabe ass back to singapore! :D

changgggg! its quite cool how ive got so many people to call uyo that evne though you hate it! haha! 2 years have passed since ive know you. wahhh didnt know id actually be your firend. but hey. it all works out in the end. we;ve definately had our fights and our differnces and shit but we;ve always been able to bounce back. im gonna miss our nightly conversatoins on nothing in particular and how you always think up of the most wulu of things for us to do like go cycling or picnic at hte botanical gardens! haha! im gonna miss your annoying voice and seriosuyl loud laughter and how you make me talk to your mom! haha! theres more to say but im gonna save it for another time

charmaine kwee hui yi is my best friend and if there was one friend who i owe a lot and all, its her! cause you see, shes the one that scares the living daylights out of me to make sure i dont do anything wrong!! but i do disapoint her at times and she'll set me straight after that and thats what best frineds do! tell the truth to each other no matter what! we've had our differences and quarells but bro! you know you;re my number 1!! always!! promise! :D youre a working girl now so im wating for your treat with your first pay cheque and i prmoise you im treating you hokkien mee or carrot cake with my first army pay!! we're all grown up now! youre working im in army! its been quite a journey from when we were in year 3 talkign about how cool it'd be if we were siblings and all that and how we were worrying about igcse. its been 4 years since ive known you which means 4 years with the bestest friend ever. i know i say this a lot but thanks for everythign bro! you mean the world to me! and i promise ill clal you when i can and ill msg you so you better reply! i dont even know when youre gonna read this cause youre like NEVER online! too busy already man!!! dont keep stressing on what to wear to work! im sure you look fine in wahtever you wear!! dont ever be down k!! and you know im still always here for you!! BFFL!!! breast fliends forever la! (:

DOOLCHEENA!! MOO MOOO!! haha! no matter how much you hit me or scold me, i know youre gonna miss me calling you those k!! cause only i call you those names! haha! dont miss me too much cheena! so cant emo too often cause i cant cheer you up at night! and dont dota!ib is more importnat!! ill always rememver that out of the 3 of you, youre the first clone i ever talked to a long long time ago! i think its alomst a year already!! :D :D

annnabelleeeeeeeee!! im gonna miss our emo talks soooo much!! our emo talks in school, at school dances, at macdonalds and 4am in the morning and especially in our long cab rides home! i can emo to you about anything under the sun and youd always have something wise and insightful to say! i know im mean to you alot and i make fun of you nonstop but yiou know i dont mean it! and i know yorue gonna miss me saying "ehh annabelle. did you lose weight?" haha! we;'ve done many crazy things and im gonna miss you! its gonna be weird huh! i had fun today, we should do it more often! not just chinese new year! :D you stay happy and all k! dont emo too much cause your emo partner is gonna be in tekong! we'll have our emo talks when i come out k! so reserve one cab ride for me!! gonna miss you emo girl! (:

towards the end of 2008 i wanted to blog a paragraph for each friend that meant something to me and i guess i was busy and i got lazy but here it is now so sorry its late, and thanks for everything guys. its gonna be it bits nad pieces also




DUCKKKKKKKKKK!!! even though you're always super mean to me and your words hurt me when you dont realise, youre still my good friend and i really am thankful that we've grown closer over the last few months and during orientation. thanks for your company during orientation and thanks for your listening ear when i need to rant and whine like a retard. thanks for the laughter and the happiness that youve brought! and to me youre the most gullible girl ive ever met! oh you know my non camera phone. i discovered this new function that i can make video calls with no camera. ill show you when i come out k! you and your ORANGES!! and omg i dont have a gf you retard! so stop being an idiot and telling peoople i do cause retarded people like desi actually beleive you! haha! :D and even though you think weird people are cute and you have like no taste, youve been one hell of a friend and i appreciate that! :D and youre even more egoistic than me k! admit it! :D and youre the pervert so dont anyhow push everything to me! :D ive already come over to your house for lucnh so now its your turn! and no matter what you say or what you blog i know youre gonna miss me too! :D :D who else is gonna call you at wulu times at night to talk you to sleep or have like wordless conversations cause we fell asleep on the phone. who else is gonna clal you early in the morning to give you wake up calls? your forever saying you hate me and blah blah blah but i FORGIVE YOU!!! niceness does get you to places!! :D and im not gonna be so easily accesible to whine or cry to so dont be too emo k! wait till the 14th of feb! stay strong stay happy! and i know its all cliche and you dint like cliche and all that but i cant think of any other phrase. stay strong duck! youre gonna be ok! i promise you that! so ill see you in 2 weeks plus time! enjoy the start to ib! im sorry im not there to help you with your perfect english blog anymore but dotn worry! im confident youre not gonna need my help with that soon enough! thanks for everything duck! i know there are other things for me to say but ill save that for another time! :D


DEH-SII-REEEE!! you're the real bimbo man!! thanks for being a good friend. and i know that sounds cliche and all but wahtever man! you've been there to hear me rant or yell. haha! and i know ive pissed you off countless times but i know that no matter how many times ive made you pissed, i'm still able to make you smile less than 5 minutes after that! im really gonna miss our 3-4am conversations or our sleeping in science terraces or canteen table! i hate that im not gonna be able to make fun of you about your shitting/vomitting or your diseased zombie toe taht much anymore! but trust me! 2 and a half weeks time im gonna be out and no matter how much youre gonna get pissed im definately gonna make fun of you! HAHA! and bride wars! promise! and you better write me those letters/diary like you promised so i wont be so updated with your life! im sorry im not gonna be there to cheer you up when yorue down or to listen to you cry or whine on the phone but maybe you'll find someone else! im not gonna be able to tell you to be brave and all but youve proved to me htat you can be brave when you want to and i really really hope that you can be spurred one to be brave when you need to be. youve taught me many things but the one thing that ill always remember is how you told me to not keep chasing answers and just let answers come find you. and i guess now you shoudl take your own advice and let things come and whatever happens happens and all you gotta do is to enjoy the good things that happen. so you keep my yellow wristbadn and you better not lose it k! haha!ill see you in 2 and a half weeks and ill msg you at night! so dont miss me too much k! :D life sucks shit happens but we just deal with it and smile afterwards. dont be too emo when im inside! you can only be emo on the weekends when im out! my minds really dead now but i definately have more to say than this but then id have to blog like one whole EE sooo ill leave that for next time! and sometimes words arent necessary!! cause you know how much i treasure our friendship! (:

a rollercoaster goes up and down, twists and turns, loops and all of that. yesterday was a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. i hate rollercoasters. i went to bingxis house in the morning. went to hang out wiht charmaine in the afternoon. met the guys for a bit after that. had reunion dinner at night. went to airport at night. i'm really tired. tired of everything now. maybe now army doesnt look like such a bad place anymore. i dont know. i dont know a lot of things anymore. i dont know about a lot of things that were once sure to me. things that i knew were true or that were always there, now they dont seem all that certain. maybe in life, nothing really ever stays 100% certain. cause life sucks and shit happens and things will always change. i want to give up on everything now. let go. i want things to go back to how they were. maybe then, this stupid feeling will go away

cause this feeling of nauseua came up and how i just wanted to roll my eyes. i even wanted to laugh. weird i know

you make me feel so damn useless

sometimes all i want is for life to just simplify itself. to live life without the stupid messed up complications blended inside. just live life the way it is, without unnecessary emotions and unnecessary screw ups and complications. but i guess thats too much to ask for huh. its for 4 am in the fucking morning, each day gets more and more like the last day

cause you just make things so much harder than they should be. just unnecessary emotions and strength wasted. you leave me stranded not knowing what to do or what to say. you make me ask myself, "what the hell is the point of everything"

you dont know it but your words cut. your words cut deep

Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found
I know you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay

i cycled at pasir ris today. yes. cycled. crazy i know. retarded, yup. kinda gay, definately. but hey, its not about the activity, but more about the company. went cycling with chang sheryl and bingxi then sweta joined us after. it was kinda depressing cause it was one of the last few times hanging out before i go NS and sheryls flying off to japan in march. i was counting down the number of times im gonna see sheryl before she flies off and it doesnt even reach the number of fingers on one hand. sigh. i'm burnt now. and its off to my moms birthday dinner later. i wish i could fall asleep and when i wake up, its 2008 again. i dont mind going into army cause i escape everything, but on the other hand i dont really wanna go cause i dont wanna leave everything behind. i dont think i make sense anymore. so bingxis house tmr. reunion dinner at night. reunion dinner sunday night. chinese new year monday and tuesday. and TEKONG wednesday. damn. i dont even have time anymore. and if yorue reading this, CHARMAINE KWEE, WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU?!?!!?!

sometimes you just wanna ask yourself "gosh. am i stupid or am i stupid." and you try to answer it by giving yourself reasons and excuses for what you did and shit. but more often than not, the answer is really simple and right there in front of you. "i am really stupid and foolish"

But I will never end up like him
Behind my back I already am
Keep a calendar, this way you will always know

cause in the end, niceness doesnt get you anywhere. cause like they said, nice guys finish last. so whats the point of trying so damn hard if all we do is fail, and fail miserably. we embarass ourselves for what we think is a higher cause, and all we end up with is eggs on our faces.

why cant things be so much simpler. too much complications and over-dramatizations. keep it simple. thats what i learnt in hockey today and i guess you can apply it to everyday life too. we over think things we over analyse things. and in the end, what the hecks the point?

shit. i had this long paragraph planned out while on the way home from hockey, but i just forgot it. damn

honestly, sometimes i ask myself, why the hell do i even care so much?

so in exactly a week, im off to serve my nation and all that good stuff. not that im looking forward to it but not like im dreading it. whatever.

i went to school on monday to get back my breakdown for my results. god it just made it all that much more depressing. i went to the botanical gardens on tuesdaay with chang sheryl bingxi and joshua. yes botanical gardens. weird i know. i hadnt been there since primary school. went to buy my army shit today. thanks sheryl for accompanying me. i dont know what im gonna do the next few days. i guess rot away till army comes.i want a time machine so i can go back in time. i miss school. i really do

cause i work my ass off and i try my hardest. i do my best and im always effing there. and in the end for what? nothing. because i always lose, and theres always someone there who just wins without even lifting a damn finger. the justice of this world.

cause in a way, i've lost a lot of my respect for you. and i dont think youre gonna earn it back

cause in those few hours, my oh my. blown away

OF's and PA's of orientation 2009. these were the people that made it all possible and made my time in orientation so much better (:

so yes. orientation 2009 is all over. ive spent the last 5 days 4 nights in school and besides 2 and a half hours on thursday, i spent all my waking and sleeping moments in school which is quite hardcore and crazy. i averaged 11 hours of sleep over 4 nights which is less than 3 hours of sleep a night which is stupid i guess and tthats why today i literally almost slept through the day. i've lost my voice and i'm still really exhausted but i guess the question is, was it all worth it? that i really dont know yet. if you asked me that question based on orientation then yeah i guess it was. but if you add in all the external factors then i dont know the answer to that question. but oh wells, thats life, full of unexpected twists and surprises. so yes. it was 5 and half days of craziness, stress, shouting, drama and dirty work, but in the end, we all pulled through and everythign worked out. you know how they say orientation brings people together, i guess thats true. i was an OGL last year and an OF this year and i must say theres a huge difference. as weird as it may sound, the OF's bond more than the OGL's. i mean the OGL's bond with their own partner and all but the OF's actually bond with each other a lot more cause we literally do everything together.we eat, drink, rest, work, slave, sweat, complain, get angry, bitch, dance and whine together. and thats how all of us bond. cause honestly, before this orientation, i never thought i'd talk to a lot of these people ever, but through the many training days and the acutal orientation, we've all bonded and i guess thats a really good thing. so to clarisse, daffy, dulcena, brina, leanne, yvette, rebecca, zongxi, tony, nikki, beatrice, shinny, annabeth, roshan, jason, johnny, alden, alex, russel, thanks guys for making orientatoin 09 that much better. when im not so brain dead, ill blog more about orientation, so yeah. it wasnt the best, but everything turned out well in the end and i guess thats what matters. so good job exco, OGL's, OF's and PA's.

i heard this from somewhere before,
what kind of ship doesnt sink? Friendship
i used to think it was sweet and all. now i look at it and wish it were true

I can't remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can't stop this story
I'll find my way but until then I'm only spinning

it wasnt supposed to end up like this. sigh. even though i know things dont always end up the way you want them to, you still dont expect them to make such a huge ass 180 degree turn from how you wanted them to be. but thats life, and with every crap thing thats thrown in your path is a new lesson learnt after you overcome them. but i guess thats provided you dont trip over the hurdle.

this is from grey's anatomy:
We all get at least one good wish a year. Over the candles on our birthday. Some of us throw in more. On eyelashes, fountains, lucky stars, and every now and then, one of those wishes comes true. So what then? Is it is as good as we'd hoped? Do we bask in the warm glow of our happiness? Or, do we just notice we've got a long list of other wishes waiting to be wished?

We don't wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach. We wish because we need help and we're scared and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish, though, because sometimes they come true.

you're a mess that seems so right

cause i never wanna be the one that'd make you look like that

i dont know why i dont feel it anymore. maybe im used to it? or maybe ive felt it so much that im numb to it. or maybe now ive come to a point where its like i feel it but im ignoring it? or hopefully its just that im slowly letting go.

I'm keeping quiet til the phone stops ringing
Lately it's hard to disconnect, I just want something real
I've found the words if I could just stop thinking
The room is spinning, I have got no choice
Be patient, I am getting to the point.

I can't remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but until then
I'm only spinning

stop the damn questions. just stop asking

i just had 3 days 2 nights camp in school. it was alright i guess but i havent slept on anything remotely resembling a bed in 2 nights so i just crashed this afternoon after coming home. but it was fun. like maybe not the whole program or wahtever, but the bonding we had at night or just during the day during activities. like we've talked to people we would've never talked to if not for this orientation. and we've gotten chances to have long late talks about anything under the sun. so yeahh. thats good.

i;ve learnt a lot over the past 3 days. a lot about different people. a lot abt myself. i dont know. my heads this huge gigantic tornado of crap now. like too much things in my mind and i dont know how to filter them. so i guess im gonna let things flow and work themselves out. cause i've learnt from a "WISE" "FRIEND" somthing along the lines of "take things as they come, if they dont come, dont chase them" something like that. i guess its true, why keep chasing for answers? let the answers come to you.

over the past 3 days, i've learnt how much someone has meant to me and how this person is one of the only few people who can make me smile in my lowest times and i never knew how much i meant to that person. im gonna miss you. i never knew i'd actually talk to you, let alone be such good friends to you. its weird how i can just tell you literally everything and you dont judge me no matter what and you can just say one sentence and you'll make it seem like everything is gonna be alright. we always say how life is just a big mess and lifes depressing and hard and shit but you always make it seem like life is one big happy ride we enjoy. im glad i met you. and even though youre MEAN and SARCASTIC now, and no its not my influence, you still make me smile no matter. taht one line to me that night seriously just made my year (:

new years resolution 1:
to stop being bitter about things. life sucks and shit happens. and we cant control things sometimes and we cant help it if we're sad about things and we definately cant help it if something bad happens to us or something goes against our wishes. but what we can help is how we react to it. i realise i am quite a bitter and sour person and i do get filled with bitterness and resentment when i get sad about things. so yeah, thats gonna be one of my new years resolutions, to be less bitter and sour about things when they dont go my way. im gonna learn to accept things, especially when its out of my power to do anything.

so here's today in a nutshell. went to school for orientation. did banner painting for a real long time, then lucnh then more banner painting before the run through of dry games. then me and bings met chang and sheryl at holland and we went to my house for turkey! sweta priss and lian joined us after and we just chilled there hanging out and talking for a really long time till about 12 30. it was fun. like it feels like it has been forever since we've just sat down and hung out. i guess everyones going in different directions and its like i just want to not move anymore into the future and stay in the present cause im contented with what i have now and yeah i guess i admit im scared of wahts gonna happen in the future.

im scared. im afraid. so help me.

i'm coming apart at the seams
pitching myself for leads in other people's dreams
doc, there's a hole where something was

i don't want to be a footnote in someone else's happiness

i should've given up a long long time ago but this soft spot still remains.

aren't i pathetic? cause i look out for you first instead of me

a key is just a tool we use to open up doors for us. and after use, we chuck keys aside, not bothering about them until we need them to open another door. no matter how you look at it, thats all a key is. and i'm sorry dude. but unless you can promise me certain things and convince me there are no consequences, i dont know if i can be your key

cause my heart burns like its on fire

so far from where we started so far from what we wanted
and as both our worlds fall down,
we get lost and we get found
so far from where we started so far from what we wanted.
I've made mistakes that I can't erase

i just had a good christmas lunch with junhung. i <3 pizza hut. i feel really tired cuase i only had 4 hours of sleep but i feel like i'd be wasting my new years by sleeping through the afternoon. but then again, theres ntohing else to do. went to sentosa with sheryl johnny and bingxi yesterday. soak up the sun rays with drinks and tons of sand. and we played rugby with these random foreigners which was quite fun. its kinda sad how our group is like slowly dwindling in numbers for various reasons.

i learnt something from junhung today. its like sometimes somethign happens to you and you get all sad about it and stuff. and like no matter what happens, its gonna be hard to be happy for the time being. theres no point in just brooding over it. i guess if theres an oppurtunity to do something for someone, you should do it to make that person smile. cause even though doing something might hurt you, you make someone else smile. and sometimes, thats worth it. or sometimes something happens and its not really your fault but you give in and say sorry cause you wanna make the other person happy, make the other person happy. i guess what im trying to say is that sometimes its worth doing things that hurts you or makes you sad cause you make this other person happy. and seeing that smile is worth it
ok that para might not really make sense but i didnt know how to properly phrase it. btu you get the drift.

its a brand new year. year two thousand and nine. brand new year was supposed to bring brand new start. but its the same ol fucking story

its 4:49am now and i just got home not so long ago. junhungs over at my place cause he was lazy to take a cab home so yeah. so i spent the last hour or so of 2008 and the first few hours of 2009 at the triplets' house and nearby playground with the 3 of them and liz, annabelle, my brother and i we dota-ed and we talked and laughed and yeah it was good. finished 2008 and started 2009 with friends fun and laughter and hopefully its gonna remain this way. so yeah its 6:03am now. no it didnt take me alomst an hour and a half to type that para. just that i just finished this long talk with junhung that was really good and i dont know. helped a bit i guess? dont know. im still stuck and lost. hopefully 2009 brings answers

i feel cheated. just.. cheated. but i'm strong. i can deal

i think i'm like digging my own grave. scratch that, its like i've dug it and im just jumping in willingly. what is wrong with me? hah

Marcus Eng

10 March 1990
19
ACS International
Ice Hockey

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