ive blogged dont know how many times in the past 2-3 days and i know its getting annoying. but i dont know. i jsut wnana let it out.

im having a hard time dealing with everything now. i want an escape rope. wanna get away somehow.

someone please help me get through all of this

if i could fast forward the clock, i would. but i cant. so i have to deal with everything. somehow. someway. i have to. no choice right

i am sick and tired of so many things now. and yes i am aware im being really whiny and annoying on my blog but not many people read it anyways.

the army sinks friendships.
that i have learnt

i dont know why i feel this way now

i want go away somewhere. to just pack my bags and go. leave everything. maybe thats what i need. a break. a break from everythign around me. time to think and get through it all. its back to camp soon. and i dont know. it just seems like im slowly sinking and sinking and i dont know how to get up

i wish you'd say sorry. i dont want you to apologise for the things you did to me. i dont want an apology for the things i did for you. i want a sorry for how you made me feel and all the emotions and disapointments and the times i felt so low and felt like shit. but then again, maybe i dont deserve a sorry. maybe i deserved all that stuff. we'll never know. cause there are 2 sides to every story and ive yet to hear yours. then again, i think i'll probably never hear yours. one day maybe we'll talk to each other about it but then again, i really dont see that day coming. one day maybe we'll just let everything out and fix this unresolved mess, but then again, i guess both of us will never admit its a mess. everythings so full of then agains and all i want is some clarity and maybe some closure. our friendship has taken a hit the past 2 motnhs, but none of us is willing to admit it. we just both smile and pretend nothing has happened. the problems that smack us in the face arent the scary ones, the problems we try to hide and cover are the ones that will slowly tear everything apart

cause i say "nevermind, its ok" when really its not ok
cause i say "haha nevermind, forget it" when i dont know how to forget
cause i say "nah, its alright" when really its not alright
cause i say "stop saying sorry!" cause i'm really tired of keeping on hearing your sorry

forgiveness is so overrated sometimes, especially when people know youre gonna just forgive them every single time. i'm so sick of being that nice guy who's constantly being pushed over.

i'm so sick of it all

i give up on trying. cuase i try so hard for nothing. cause you dont even care. cause you dont even see the efforts. so whatever. im done trying. it really seems like theres no point to this anymore. so whatever. i cant take it anymore. it just really annoys me and frustrates me to non stop.

You know what you want but how long can you wait
What if your chances are already gone
Started believing that I could be wrong
But you give me one good reason
to fight and never walk away

Now no one can say i didnt try. now no one can say i didnt make the effort. now i can say its all up to you. why do we make so much effort just for it all to come to naught? we do we try so hard when the other person doesnt really care? i guess sometimes we gotta ask ourselves, is it all really worth it?

my 4 day weekend is over. and i regret making it such a long weekend this week and not saving it for another time when i really need it. but whats the point of regretting the past, cause we cant change what has happened, we cant change the decisions we've made no matter how much we want to. all we can do is learn and ensure that we dont make the same mistake in the future.
and all i'm doing is just looking forward to next weekend.

celefest was yesterday and..... anti climatic. it wasnt as great as 2007's celefest. i miss that years celefest. i said i'd be happy if i accomplished 2 out of the 3 things at celefest and i kinda accomplisehd 2 out of 3 but im not happy. not satisfied. i'm having a massive headache now and its really annoying me.

sometimes we get happy over the smallest things which is really stupid cause usually they dont mean anythign and we're just building up our hopes over nothing. but then again, maybe it is ok to be happy cause if we cant get happy over those small little things, then what do we get happy about

why do we even bother trying when we keep failing and failing and failing somemore

stupid. foolish. over optimistic. why do i find happiness in the small things, the small things that probably dont even mean anything. small little meaningless things yet it makes me smile, makes me happy, and worse of all, gives me false hope

anti-climax yet again

maybe i regret all the things i've done for you. and maybe i wish i could take them all back. maybe its not that i shouldn't have done those things, but maybes its that you didn't deserve them. maybe i was just stupid

we let pride swell us
we let anger consume us
we let envy fuel us
we let lust control us
we let greed drive us
we let sloth slow us
we let gluttony take over us
we are the epitome of imperfection

i really really regret putting my dental appointment yesterday and taking my off today. because for the last 2 days i have done absolutely nothing and i have accomplished absolutely nothing. i even took a bus to siglap to walk aroudn just to kill time. i took a walk in the park and just stoned on a bench in the park cause i was that bored. i even signed up for playstaiton network so i can play against people online on the ps3 cause i was so bored. i walked inside cold storage for at least 45 mins cause i was that bored. i have done nothing. its only 3 3o pm and the days not over yet. i really have wasted my day off which is so precious in the army. i wasted my dental appointment as well. sighh, how i hate these last 2 days. even a day in camp passes by faster.

sometimes change just kinda happens and we dont even know it until it smacks us right in the face

no one wants to lose things. no one wants to lose friends especially those that are close to them. sometimes we lose friends and we dont even realise it until we turn to them and we find out they're not there anymore.

why is that the ones we lose are always the one who we hold most dear

we all wish for rainbows and unicorns, sunrays and flowers, happiness and fulfilment. but how often do we get what we want? anti-climax has been the theme of the week and im glad to say the week is just about to end. tomorrow starts a new week that hopefully is less anti climax and brings along bigger and better things. but why am i building up so much hope for this week when i've just learnt a painful lessons on high hopes in the last 6 days or so.

i have an off day this friday so i guess thats somethign to look forward to. celefest on saturday and like i told andrew and joshua, there are 3 things to look forward to at celefest and achieving 2 out of those 3 would really make my day. haha. damn. high hopes again. oh well. i guess sometimes you gotta look forward or dream of something no matter how high or low the chances are of getting it. cause sometimes it helps you get through the week if theres something to look forward to and the end. i dont think im making all that much sense anymore.

anti-climax. a week that started out so happy, so good, so promising has all come to naught. a week that started off so brightly and full of optimism has ended with a whimper, ended with hopes crushed, ended with nothing but this bitter aftertaste and not knowing where did it all go wrong
Anti-Climax. thats all i can say

i keep telling myself the higher your hopes, the farther you fall. sometimes i wished i'd take my own advice

its been a quiet, more boring mundane weekend compared to the last few weekends. i guess its cause i didnt really do anything. i did meet my bestfriend and rosa for breakfast yesterday though so that was cool. but other than that, didnt really do anything, didnt really accomplish much. but its alright. i mean. it was good to just relax at home, take a break and not really do much. another long week ahead. duty on tuesday whcih means no nights out. duty on friday which means booking outoonly on sat morning. pfft. oh wells. im looking for somethign to look forward to in th coming weeks so that i can sight my sights on something, work towards something, something to motivate me and get me through the long tortrous days. i know i sound whiny. according to charmaine, i used to be really bitter, vengeful and childish about 3-4 years ago on my blog post. HAHA. well that was true! i was young! stupid! foolish! what can i say. i just bought this huge photo frame thingy from ikea yesterday. i really gotta find time to do up my room.

and its time to set my grand master plan into action.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATERINA ANNE LAI!!

whens kui coming back?

i miss sheryl

i miss hockey

i miss a lot of things. i miss a lot of people.

What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do?

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside

Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry

wallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside

The Royal feast was done; the King
Sought some new sport to banish care,
And to his jester cried, "Sir Fool,
Kneel now, and make for us a prayer!"


The jester doffed his cap and bells,
And stood the mocking court before;
They could not see the bitter smile
Behind the painted grin he wore.

so its back to camp soon. urgh. no matter how many times i say that, it'll never be any easier. and ill never look forward to giong back. a long 5 day week this week. and the only thought thats gonna get me through is the thought of saturday and sunday. wow.

7 minutes. 7 minutes of happines. 7 minutes where everything stopped. 7 minutes where nothing else mattered

i was really looking forward to this 4 day weekend. a long deserved break that seemed full of promise, full of hope. and yet, like so many things in life, this 4 day weekend opitimised the words "false hope". yes, this 4 day weekend was full of hopes being dashed, promising moments that never materialized, and many many moments of anticlimax. a long break where i was supposed to do many things, have fun and meet people dear to me who i have not seen in forever. and yet, in sequence to how my life has been for the past few months, it was all false hope. all just false alarm. anti-climax. i had high hopes for this 4 day weekend but as i like to say, the higher your hopes, the farther you fall. its 3:16 am now and theres still another day left. but ive given up hope for tomorrow.

but tongiht was good. shisha-ed with joshua and andrew. its always good hanging out with them. doing nothing in particular but sitting down, bumming around and just talking about anything and everything under the sun.

And he'd smile as others pleased

Marcus Eng

10 March 1990
19
ACS International
Ice Hockey

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