how do we know if we're putting too much faith in people? just because we treat them a certain away doesnt mean they'll treat us the same.

the more faith you put into people, the more it hurts when they let you down.

they say that friends come and go, but its the good ones that stay. but a good friend left. so if good ones can go, who actually stays?

my conflicted heart. sigh
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the past week has certainly been a weird one to say the least. lots of unusual things happening. confrontations which im not sure if they were necessary or not but happened anyway. a lot of things are now just in this humongous mess and im not sure how to untangle everything and im not sure if i should untangle everything. sigh. i need some clarity

4 months to ord. then you add 3 more weeks, and i'm off to start a brand new chapter of my life. and hopefully its gonna be a good chapter because i realised that ive wasted the past 20 years of my life achieving absolutely nothing and its high time that i take control of my life and start doing sth meaningful or my life will just slowly rot away into nothingness. that cannot happen. so yes, 2011 marks a brand new era, brand new opportunities which i am ready to grab by the horns. in "miracle", herb brooks said "great moments are born from great opportunities" and here is my great opportunity, so im all pumped and ready to make it a great moment
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"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending" i wanna get that tattooed on my arm.

its finally over. 17 months later, YOG has come and gone and i am honesty finally breathing a huge sigh of relief. the huge monkey finally off my back. its been over for about 17 days now and those last 17 days have been great. freedom is the key word here. i had a more or less pretty awesome trip to phuket. spent about 3 days there and i honestly wanna go back there soon. december hopefully. with my bros.
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i just came home from about 8 hours at coffebean at holland v. the 8 hours were pretty much necessary for me. needed to hear things i suppose. not gonna say why although honestly no one reads this anymore but just in case. if i do look back on this post a few months or years down the road and struggle to remember why these 8 hours at coffeebean were so important, ITS OK cause honestly the memories were not really all that great. i had an important and remarkable night. but important and remarkable memories do not mean they are good or nice memories. so if future marcus, youre reading this, just know remember that sometimes in life we make hasty decisions without thinking, and after that, all we can is just sit, wait and live with the decisions we have hastily made whether we like them or not. and let me tell you now, the night was quite painful, more or less excruciating, and definitely depressing. so if youre reading this months or years after september 17 2010, i really hope you never made the same mistake again or you really are a fucking idiot.
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sometimes we're driven by small glimmers of hope. driven and inspired to do brave but foolish things where we these small glimmers of hope make us think, make us believe that we can succeed when honestly the chances of success are minuscule. yet we get wayward things that tell us to just try hard anyway cause we're so disillusioned with everything around us and we believe in far fetched things that we want to believe in. honestly in times like these, we just need to wake the fuck up cause that small glimmer of belief we think is there, is just false hope
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shallow

i am slowly but surely losing it. i am gonna go crazy soon if this goes on. i was on the brink of exhaustion after doing my graveyard shift and i gotta do another graveyard shift in 2 hours time. i think by 9am tomorrow, i will go nuts. but come on, 2-3 more days! i can do it! i can last without collapsing!
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i honestly find no pride and joy in helping out with this YOG. i guess its cause im one of those volunteered people. yes volunteered with the "ed". i dont have the pride and sense of accomplishement. maybe cuase ive been doing this for the past 17 months and im so sick and tired of it. i really dont get anything out of doing all this. a medal? nope. a prize? nope. a thank you? nope. no sense of gratitude at all. no one really appreciates the work ive done for the past 17 months. i earn about a $1.60 an hour. wow great pay huh. no overtime pay. no bonus. i havent had a free day in over a month. im losing track of the days cause honestly all the days feel like the same. saturdays sundays dont really matter if im stuck on shift. oh wells. at least its finally finally ending

technically its not even day 1 of YOG and it feels like im schooling at ntu because im there every single damn day for frikking long hours and im getting so damn sick of ntu and because of this event, there are so many rules and regulations that it is causing me to just simply go crazy. come on come on, august 28 please come faster! and then after that its off to phuket. seriously cant wait to go to phuket. not just cause of the opportunity to get away from everything but also because its been a real long time since i spent time with some of my friends. speaking of friends, its been exactly a month since my best friend went over to sydney and i must say i miss her quite terribly.
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is it better to just give up or try and then fail and get hurt all over again

its already august. YOG is about to start and i cant fucking wait. i cant wait for it to end. 25 more days and its all over. so now im just enduring and slwoly wiating.
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the past few weeks have been a blur and i must say that they have passed by quickly and they have offered me a lot of insight into different things. you cannot possibly begin to fathom how excited i am to go over to australia in feb. im all ready to start afresh, gain new experiences, meet new friends, and start a second lease of life. forget the past and embrace the new. damn i cant wait. i realised there's nth left in singapore for me anymore. i wanna leave this place fast and not look back. i used to really wish that i could somehow stay in spore to study in NUS or SMU and now im glad that i made the decision to go overseas. Australia aint that far overseas but its far enough. February seems a long way away but im just hoping the 6 motnhs just rush past and i'll be standing in sydney before i know it.
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a certain event made me realise that sometimes our friends are really friends at all but merely acquaintances who we think too highly of and think that theyre our friends. and we only find out theyre not truly our friends through certain events or things they do or say. same could be said abt people who we think are good close friends who turn out to be merely friends and good close friends seem too strong a description to use on people who are never there for us when we need them.
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i blame YOG for making me so depressed and bitter about things that even the smallest of probably nonsensical things can make you excited and happy. and thus im left disapointed and sad and i probably looked like a fool in the process

Marcus Eng

10 March 1990
19
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